Ways to Dissipate Anger in You

Every time we are tempted to get angry. When somebody utters negative words towards us,  when somebody promises us of something but failed to do it,  when the person that we revere the most throws us with hurting words,  even things don’t go according to what we have planned,  these likely bring us a trigger of anger. Science says that it is actually a normal reaction of our body when intense emotion flares up.  It is a fragment of life and in fact, it is truly one of the deadliest sins mentioned in the bible.  Nonetheless, we also have to consider that this kind of emotion doesn’t serve any practical purpose and when it immobilizes you, it can also be disparaging.  Remember that too much anger or chronic anger can be dangerous to your health,   in your state of mind, in your working place and even put you in a state of too much stress in life.  Dyer (2007) in his book refers anger as immobilizing reaction, experienced when any expectancy is not met.     With the idea presented, anger can be handled and you have all the control with the emotion you are feeling.   When the emotion is at par high, you can manage to express it without regretting of saying hurting words to someone else.  Though it is enervating, it is not good also when your attitude of it is out of control.  The following strategies may help you to simmer down of anger and get a benefit out from it.   

            Be calm.  Breath in, breath out. Do it as often as you can until the feeling of anger dissipated.  Get the air out from your diaphragm.  You can sit in a comfortable chair, close your eyes breathe in and breathe out and through this process, you will feel your mind and body relax.   Instead of dwelling on the situation that occurred that caused you into anger, you can put an imagery in your thoughts of the blissful moments in your life that can make you calm.  Attract positive words in your thought such as upholding yourself not to be a victim of the situation you are in.  That you are a person capable of yourself to be happy. Remember that you can make yourself calm by not entertaining negative thoughts in your mind.  Anger, like emotion, is a product of the way we think.   It is the information produced by our unconscious mind as a response to a word, thought or event that occurred.  Whenever you have that angry feeling in your heart try to shift your thought and never entertain it.  Face it and let it out in a non-destructive way.  Exercise and yoga can also be another form of calming oneself whenever situation put you into anger until you see yourself going to the realm of tranquillity.  Consider a good sleep also at night because there is a magic in sleeping that can combat emotional problems such as your anger. 

Don’t Expect from other.  There is an adage that says frustration breeds from expectation.  We may have expectation from our friends such we want them to act and speak like us so that we may not be judged by others as being different because of the choice of friends we have.  Possibly,  you may have a higher standard and expecting everyone surrounds you that your standard should also be their bases in doing things and not want it could mean frustration on your part.  Basically,  our expectation to others doesn’t mean that this could also be their expectation.  One thing you should realize is that we cannot change other people.  We can only change ourselves.  People are people of who they are and not accepting them could mean to unhappiness and even anger.   Have the alacrity of accepting every one of their individuality.  Do not expect your boss to be perfect because like you,  he also might have his life’s insecurity and struggles.  Instead, learn to love them for who they are.  If you put a parameter of setting an expectation, you also limit the risk of disappointment.  Bear in your thoughts that truly the only person you can change is you and not anyone else’s life.   You should always carry the thought of peace regardless of the situation you are in.  Find peace within oneself by not expecting someone else to be the same like you. 

In touch with your thoughts.    I personally believe that the most powerful system in your body is within your mind.   As a person, you should not underestimate the power of your brain.   We become of who we are depending on what we feed with our thoughts.   If we always think of negative thoughts we become negative.   Really, thoughts shape our behavior and character and if you think that you are a wise person you avert negative thoughts and actions that will destruct yourself such as anger.     Make peace within yourself and accept the reality that anger is very human and we are capable of feeling it.  Since your feeling stems from your emotion and so anger can also be avoided as long as you have the reason to accept it.    Whenever anger strikes your way,  train yourself to shift those thoughts into positive.   Have a self-governing mechanism over your mind and what it yields.   Remember this old saying as mentioned by Peale in his book that says “You cannot prevent the birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building nests in your hair.”    Every time you repudiate anger in your thoughts it becomes weaker until it vanishes and substituted by positive thoughts.

Keep a track of your anger.  One way to minimize anger or being a sovereign controller of angry feeling is to keep track of your anger.  Recognize that anger is a part of life and being aware of it is a supreme.  You can actually write it in a journal or in your diary by attesting the date, time, place, and instance or instances that make you angry.  Say something about it or maybe elaborate it more by detailing and what strategies you provided for it to be disappeared.  We suggest that you should take this unfailingly so that every time you get angry and writing it in your journal you are also reminded that anger will not bring any good and so you avoid it to dominate you.   Instead, show love to yourself so that this anger will not make you into a self-destructive one.  

Develop a Sense of Humour.   You cannot equate anger to happiness.  The two are mutually exclusive in so many sense.  You cannot feel the emotion of being happy at the same time you feel angry.  You either choose between the two.   Perhaps you can develop a sense of humor within yourself.  Through this, you can relieve the burden or annoyance you feel due to some circumstances.   This one suggesting that you can actually shift from anger that tends to be excessively abstemious about yourself into laughing because it will make you feel so good.   If you are also subjected to life’s challenges, instead of crying over spilled milk why not choose to respond it with positivity such as confronting it with your sense of humor.  It will help you be spirited and sanguine in life.   Don’t wait for a perfect time to laugh just find time to do it.  Laugh with your colleagues, with your friends or with people in the Divisoria.  Do it instead of harboring the ill feeling that can only lead you to misery.   Instead of carrying around the anger that will eventually exterminate you little by little,   cultivate your sense of humor and you will not only bring the sunshine to your own soul but to other people as well. Don’t take life seriously,  it will make you old fast.  Try to look those people who don't laugh,  you see plenty of wrinkles that surround in their face.   

Have a moment with someone.   If you keep your anger within you,  it will only destroy your inner peace.  It will only be like a volcano ready to vent at a given time.   Anger is a very normal emotion that a person can feel.  However, it is vital to keep one's cool at bay by dealing with it.   It must be dealt properly instead of just suppressing it.  The best way for it to disappear or at least curtail is to have an open communication.  You can actually share it with a friend, family members and perhaps your significant others.    It is one of the best ways to use so that you can prevent the said emotion to rescind your inner peace and not be overly taken by it so that you will not reach the level of lashing out with the person that makes you angry.   Essentially,  talk also with the person that cause your anger but never in a form of being critical and impugning because it will only make the other party defensive.  However, you can express it in a respectful and tactful way.  Wala naman sigurong hindi makukuha sa mabuting usapan.   Remember that if you do not share your anger or tell it to the person who hurts you, it will only disfigure you until such time you will be eaten out such emotion.    

 Pray to God.   Often times when we get angry, we keep it within ourselves.  We go to our working place smiling.  We sometimes talk to our friends with a smile but underneath the smile lies the unresolved issue caused by anger.   We use guise to cover up the things from us that nobody wants us to see such as the feeling of anger.  One way to banish it is by sharing or telling it to God in a form of a prayer.  Always pray.  Prayers can move a mountain. Whatever P   It is a way of dealing the circumstance in a Godly-way.  Pray it to him by telling him the whole story.  Well, in fact,   God can surely relate the anger that fills in you.  He too got angered during His existence.    God feels angry emotion on the wrong deeds of his people.  But it doesn’t mean that when you get angry you are indeed wrong but how you respond to it that matters.  Do you take it in a wrong way or in a right way?  It will only depend on you.   Start seeing your life in God’s perspectives that when you get angry you should respond it constructively not to the extent that your response will only mar your inner peace.  You will end up a loser of the emotion that you should not be letting to harbor in your soul.           

Holding to the idea of having anger is also a choice to agonize.    However,  as Dyer stated in his book that if you are tempted to get anger it is not yet a sin,  it is more on how we respond to it.  Always remember that you can actually eliminate the feeling.  Perhaps by following the above-mentioned steps, you can shift the emotion you are in.   Make sure to work on steps that will create new feelings instead of nurturing that will counter a productive behavior.  Don’t be an emotional slave to this kind of circumstance,  you can use the situation to test you on how you can manage it positively.   Instead of feeling angry,  give love and kindness and eventually, these will come back to you.   Give hatred, or anger and your return is also anger and hatred.   Remember that if we plant corn we cannot expect to get rice.    Kung ano ang itinanim natin ay siya rin ang aanihin.  Sa halip na magtanim ng galit,  magkaroon ng pusong marunong umunawa sa iyong kapwa.     

Sources:

Dyer,  Wayne (n.d) Your erroneous zones.  Broadway New York.  Avon Books, Dept.

Peale,  Norman Vincent,  (2000).  Discover the power of positive thinking.   5A/8 Ansari Road,  New Delhi.   Jay Kay Offset Printers.

   

Sa Pagiging Epektibong Pinuno

         

 

Kuha mula sa google image

Mula pa man noong ikaw ay nag-aaral sa hayskul ay nakaranas ka na maging pinuno sa klase.  Ang pagiging presidente,  na kung wala ang titser ay ikaw ang pumapalit sa kanyang katayuan.  Ikaw ang nagiging tagapamayapa sa mga magugulo at maiingay mong mga kaklase.  Tagalista sa mga nag-iingay at kung minsan ikaw pa ang lumalabas na kontrabida kung nailista ang kaklase dahil sa idini-deny naman niyang wala siyang ginawang pag-iingay kaya kung igigiit mo mababawasan na ang listahan ng mga kaibigan mo sa buhay.  Kung minsan pa nga ikaw na ang tumatanggap ng pagbubulyaw ng titser kung napagalitan ang klase dahil naingayan ang ibang titser mula sa ibang klase dahil wala kang pagkontrol na ginawa.  Noon namang nagkolehiyo ka,  naatasan ka pa rin na maging pinuno sa pangkat mo sa klase sa Filipino.  Gagawa ng isang   role-play na nagpapakita ng kahalagahan ng wika sa lipunan.  Minsan sa iyong pagiging pinuno ay dumanas ka marahil na magkaroon ng mga miyembro na nakikinig lamang sa isang tabi habang may mga kasapi naman na kailangan mo pang pilitin o hikayatin para gawin ang ibinigay na responsibilidad sa kanila.   Ang pagiging pinuno ay napakakumplikadong gawain.  Maaaring ang kapamaraanan na ginamit mo ay hindi naman mainam para sa iba.  Sa kabila nito,  maaaring mayroon kang iyong kapamaraanan o taktika para sa iyong pamumuno kung paano mo ginagampanan ang ganitong klaseng tungkulin.  O maaari namang hindi mo pa talaga naranasan o maaaring nakaranas ka pero hindi mo naman napagtagumpayan sa kasalukuyan.  Ang tekstong ito ay maaring makatulong kung paano mo pa higit na mapapaunlad ang isang mahusay na pamumuno hindi lamang sa samahan na iyong kinaaniban ngunit kahit mismo sa sa loob ng ating bahay.

            Maaari mong buuin ang sarili bilang tagamasid lamang sa iyong paligid.  Minsan naman kung pinuno ka hindi mo kailangan na ipakita sa iba na madalas ikaw ang nagbibigay ng direksyon.  Ang kadalasang depinisyon natin sa pagiging lider ay kailangan mauna ka bago ang iyong pinamumunuan.  Na ikaw mismo ang nasa harapan at kailangan kasunod sila dahil kung wala sila sa likod mo maaari mong ikapanghina ito o maaari mong ikagalit at gagamitin mo ang iyong awtoridad.   Sa bahaging ito, dahil tagamasid ka nga lang,  hahayaan mo lang na magampanan ng mga pinamumunuan mo ang kanilang tungkulin at maging kabahagi sila sa tinatawag na proseso.  Basta’t alam nila ang kanilang mga tungkulin at maliwanag na sa kanila ang kanilang responsibilidad.  Maaari ka rin namang magbigay ng mungkahi para sa pagpapaunlad pero kailangan mo pa ring ipagkatiwala ang gawain sa kanilang iyong pinakakatiwalaan.   You need to suspend your desire to be seen as an authority figure.   Ang buong konsepto ng pagiging pinuno ay kung napapakilos mo ang iyong pinamumunuan kahit minsan medyo may kabigatan ito sa kanila.   Tandaan lamang na ang pagsasagwa niyon ay hindi sa anumang bagay na matatamo nila kundi maaaring mapapaunlad sa proseso nito ang kanilang puso at kaluluwa sa kanilang ginagawa.    

           

Maging halimbawa sa pinamumuunuan na napananatili parin ang pagiging kapalagayang loob sa isa’t isa.   Mainam na ikaw ay maging isang magandang halimbawa sa iyong mga pinamumunuan na humihikayat sa kanila na maging responsable din sa kanilang ginagawa at gawin ang ayon sa nakabubuti para sa samahan.    Katulad ng iyong pagsisiskap sa pagpapabuti ng samahan ay kailangan na hayaan ang pinamumunuan na dumiskubre sa mga mainam na kapamaraanan para sila ay maging insipirado at tamuin ang kanilang hinahangad na tagumpay sa kanilang mga buhay.  Always lead by example.       

            Mainam din na ang mga mabuting naggagawa ng iyong pinamumunuan ay napahahalagahan mo.   Kadalasan kasi ang mga ipinagkakatiwala nating gawain sa ibang tao,  kapag nagawa na nila kahit napakaganda ng kinalabasan ay hindi tayo naglalaan ng panahon para ito ay ma-appreciate.    Kahit man din na ikaw ay hindi napahahalagahan sa mga dating naggawa mong mabuti at kahit sa kasalukuyan,  mainam pa rin na napahahalagahan mo ang mabuting gawa ng iba.   Ang iyong pagsabi ng “napahanga mo ako”,  “napakahusay ng iyong ginawa” o kahit ang “job well done” ay malaking tulong na sa pagbuo ng katauhan ng iyong pinamumunuan.  Mas makukuha mo ang loob ng iyong pinamumunuan kung naggagawa mo silang pahalagahan kahit sa simpleng kapamaraanan.   Wala na sigurong nakahihigit pang ninais ng isang tao sa kanyang buhay kundi ang maramdaman niya na mahalaga siya para sa ibang tao.  Kaya nga minsan ang mag-asawa ay naghihiwalay dahil naramdaman nilang sila ay tini-take for granted ng isa.  Likas sa tao na naghahangand ng appreciation at encouragement.  Appreciate.  Tandaan mong palagi na hindi purke’t nag-a-apreciate ka ay may karapatan ka na ring sabihin ang nais mo kahit ito ay hindi maganda sa pandinig ng iba.   Kailan man ang isang taong nambabastos ng iba tao lalong-lalo na sa karamihan ay hindi makakuha ng respeto sa iba lalo pa na ang iba ay wala sa kanilang prinsipyo ang salitang pag-unawa dahil kahit sa kanilang sarili mismo ay may karugtong ding insekyuridad.  Iwasan ang pangugutya o ang pagsabi ng masasakit na salita sa iba at maging mayaman sa sa halip ng mga pagpapahalaga sa mabuting gawa ng iba.   You can actually praise in public or in private.    Yaong mga taong pini-praise ng mga pinuno ay lumalabas na nagkakaroon ng pagpapahalaga sa sarili at kumikilos sila sa isang kooperatibong kapamaraanan sa halip na sila ay nakikipagkumpetensiya sa kapwa manggagawa.

            Huwag maging awtoritaryan na pinuno.  Huwag gamitin ang dahas sa pamamagitan ng paggamit ng mga salita na maaaring makakasakit sa ibang tao.   Minsan nakakadama ka ng pagka-insulto lalo na kung iyong mga pinamumunuan mo ay ayaw sumunod sa gusto mong iutos sa kanila.  Kaya ang ginagawa mo ay tinatakot mo sila sa mga pahayag na mag-iingat ka dahil sa ebalwasyon ang pantapat ko sa iyo para hindi ka ma-promote.   Walang pinagkaiba ito sa isang guro sa loob ng silid.  Napakatapang ni titser kaya kunting pagkilos lamang ay parusa na ang katapat kundi man pisikal ay maaaring sa mga di matatawarang masasakit niyang mga salita.   Sa ganitong usapin,  maaring siya lamang ay naghasik ng panakot sa mga bata pero sa kanyang pag-alis ay balik na naman sila sa pagiging magulo.  Dahil ang kanilang pagkakaroon ng disiplina ay hindi bukal sa kanilang kalooban kundi dahil sa takot (fear) na iniimpose ni titser.  Kaya kung isang pinuno na nagpapahalaga sa salitang praise ay maaaring magkakaroon ng magandang impak sa mga pinamumunuan na nagkakaroon sila ng pansariling-disiplina nandiyan ka man o wala sa kanilang harapan ay tiyak magtitino sila.   Ang isang bata na dinisiplina sa dahas na kapamaraanan katulad ng pagsisigaw at pagpapalo ay maaaring madadala niya ito sa kanyang pagtanda.   Maaari nilang pamaresan ang ganitong taktika kung sila ay magka-edad na rin o magkakaroon ng anak  (hateful tactics).  Maaari naman nilang maipasa ito kanilang magiging anak hanggat hindi napoproseso at iniisip na ito ang tama.

            Magtiwala sa sarili at sa iyong mga pinamumunuan.   Ikaw na pinuno na nagtitiwala sa kakayahan ng iyong mga pinamumuhuan ay pagkakatiwalaan din ng mga pinamumunuan mo.    Kung nakapagbabahagi ka na ng mga panuto,  mungkahi,  at sarili mong karanasan ay ipagkatiwala mo na sa kanila ang isang gawain.  Allow them to realize that they can do it on their own and how rewarding it is if they do it well.   Hayaan mo na sila na ang magdedesisyon para sa kanilang sarili at magkaroon ng pagmamalaki sa anuman ang kanilang naggawa.  Kung kailangan payuhan dun ka na lalabas o kung kailangan na silang i-appreciate din mas mainam naman sabi ni Lao Tzu sa kanyang pahayag na:  Instead of believing that you know what’s best for others,  trust that they know what is best for themselves.  

            Ang pinakatagong prinsipyo sa tekstong ito ay magkakaroon ng tiwala sa iyong pinamumunuan.   Maaari kang maging lider hindi lamang sa inyong samahan,  sa inyong klase,  kundi kahit mismo sa iyong pamilya.   Hayaan mo silang tuklasan ang mga bagay na makapagpapaunlad sa kanilang sarili at makapagpapasaya hindi dahil dinidiktahan mo sila palagi sa anumang gusto mong mangyari.  Kung nakaggawa sila ng mabuti at nagtagumpay,  huwag mong akuin sa halip pasalamatan mo ang iyong sarili nang buong katahimikan sa mabuting naidulot mo sa iba.   Mahalin mo ang iyong pinamumunuan na hindi naghahangad ng anumang kapalit.  May rason kung bakit nangyayari ang lahat.  Maging masaya ka sapagkat ang karanasan mo sa kasalukuyan ay isang siyang magtuturo sa ikagaganap ng iyong pagkatao.   Ang araw ay sumisikat sa bawat araw upang magbigay liwanag,  at enerhiya sa sangkalupaan pero kahit kailanman ay hindi siya umaasa ng anumang kapalit.      

           

Intimacy for a Strong Relationship

Taken from google image

One of the most important ingredients of a relationship is constantly growing.  It is actually a collaboration or a common concern of two individuals connected with special feelings.    A relationship should not be static or stagnant nor should go together for the sake of showing to people that the two of you are bonded with the commitment of the covenant you shared.  Two individuals should focus as to how they can maintain a harmonious relationship and maybe strive to achieve the mechanisms of a happy relationship.    They should continually be seeking grander affection with each other even more as they grow old together.  The following steps are to be considered in order for you to have a true intimacy with your special someone.

Make sure to have self-connection.   Start connecting with yourself.  One better way for you to be prepared in intimacy is to have a self-connection with yourself.   Better face your own personal issues in life such as forgiving yourself at times when you don’t spend time for your special someone.  It pays to forgive oneself for the mistakes created may it be accidentally or you allow it to happen.   If we dwell on the past mistakes, it will never bring us good.  It can ruin our health and it will really hold us back to the things we might attain or experience.   Be friend with yourself.  Real intimacy begins once you know yourself well.   Now,  if you have befriended with yourself, make some emotional connection with your special someone.   Appreciating him perhaps or telling to that person how euphoric you are to tell some personal veracities that made your life happier when together.    Relate. Express what you feel to that person and have the open heart to share and fill the happiness with each other.   You decide together that you two are not separate but as one.

Have a feeling shared of equity.   Per definition, intellectual intimacy has something to do with two individuals sharing the same ideas and thoughts.  At times, you may vary in opinions, perspectives and even personal ideologies, perhaps disagreed on certain issues but are able to respect comfortably in your crashing intellect.  With these,   intellectual intimacy takes place.   You are able to convey and come up with the thoughts together.   You can actually determine if you and your partner do have the intellectual intimacy if you always look at the best of your partner, and finding ways to be constructive.  If you have figure out together the reason for having a disagreement and maybe connect both minds and free to talk with amidst varied opinions without a feeling of self-insecurity.  In general, intimacy is a gradual process and it should not be stagnant.   Any form of stagnation can actually kill the relationship of two individuals.   Your relationship can actually be a byproduct of the decision you made whatever you want it to happen. 

Taken from google image

Enjoy each other’s presence.   You may actually create mutual activities that you both enjoy.  At this point in time you don’t discuss issues or concerns but just plainly have fun with each other’s presence.  Going to church together is one way to have to strengthen an intimate relationship.  When you pray together and enjoy each other’s company in the eyes of God, you will realize how it feels good that you have someone each other in your life.  When true spirituality is placed at the top of each relationship, worry changes to joy.   It can also help the weakness to find the strength.  Having an intimacy with your partner in the eyes of your creator can also be rewarding.  There can be a relationship going in and it will also eradicate the reactions.  That two is better than one and how much life become well when the two of you are together.  As they say,  there is synergy about your closeness that magnified the good feelings about having a life.   Another would be, you can actually spend time together on the beach, enjoy the amenities or perhaps stay in the resort even just for a night.   Walk and talk under the moon but make sure you will not discuss concerns in life.  Just be in the moment and enjoy each other’s company.  You can actually open up topics that your partner is of interest.   The best way to be with the person’s heart is to talk about the things where he or she treasures most.  The underlying principle here is that love is something that we should nurture in such a way that both parties are engaging and having fun.  Don’t take each other for granted and do not allow your hectic schedule with the demands of the world buried the opportunities you can spend with.  

Build each other by affirming and appreciating.    True intimacy is what most people in marriage stage wants to have.  The greatest need of human heart is to be affirmed.   However, we are not constantly experienced it from the people we expect it for us to have.   You may appreciate him or her for spending time with you amidst the busy schedule. Appreciate him or her for sending your kid to school.  It is not easy to wake-up every day to prepare everything before kids go to school.  By simply saying how much you appreciated your partner for his effort shown would mean a lot to him or her.   As Carnegie stated in his book,  one of the virtues most neglected in our existence is words of appreciation.  Sometimes a person left the person he was once loved because he or she was not appreciated when they were still together.   Instead of condemning your partner for the unrealistic expectation, try to appreciate and praise instead. Your honest appreciation can change a person’s life and boost someone’s self-confidence. 

In Physics, we learned that in every action,  there is an opposite reaction.   It is also true in our personal relationships.  If we want to have an authentic intimacy then we must find it in our own self.  Resolve issues of yourself and forgive what has been committed in the past.  Just get the main lesson from that experiences and use it in the present life.    Our intimacy with other people will only be the reflection as to how we have a self-intimacy.   No more cloaking of oneself on insecurities and be open for that someone who is willing to have an intimacy with you.   The steps you have read may actually help you to have an intimacy with someone but you should also explore more as to how you can have a rewarding relationship with your special someone.   Ang pag-ibig ay pagsusugal.  Hindi mo alam ang magiging kahihinatnan ang tanging alam mo lang ay ang kasalukuyan pero sa pamamagitan ng iyong pag-alam sa tamang kapamaraanan ng pakikipagrelasyon ay maaari itong mauwi sa tunay na panghabambuhay.        

Reference:  Freed,  Frank, (2007).  8 steps to positive living.   Paranaque, Phils.  Acts 29 Publishing.   

Cutting Down Approval Seeking

Maybe your entire life has been spent with winning the approval of others or you have been constantly worried of how the people will see you.   At times, when approval has become a need in your life then you have to counter check for it because this kind of activity is a form of halt to yourself.   To tell you, approval really bring us joy.  It is good when you are applauded of the performance of acting you do on stage.   Praised by people because who have been consistently a dean’s lister and even given compliments of the kindness you possess especially to the poor.  Some would say it’s another form of adulation.   Pleasurable may seem but we need to realize that that if we thought of it as a need then it can also be classified as one of our erroneous zones in life.  You are bound to frustration if you carry this need such as approval.  The following steps may help you in cutting down on your approval seeking habit.    

            Accept yourself.   It is important not to rely your happiness to other people.  You may be far different in terms of providing opinion or you have a certain character that is for them unacceptable, always think that whatever they thought about you will not bring any effect unless you let it get into your nerve.   Break the restraint of what has other think,  say and do with your self-worth.  Have a strong feeling in yourself that not all people will approve of what you have to say.   If your idea has been repudiated then let it be.  After all, you cannot insist to other people what you have in mind if they are not open for it. 

            Live with what you value.  As long as you don’t hurt, destroy and kill other people,  you can have the freedom of what you want to project on this earth.   Live with what you value but always remember to maintain harmonious relationship with other people.   Don’t do or say things because the society dictated to act or state this way.   We can trace family approval way back when we are young.   We have been embedded with the seed of self-doubt every time we rely our decision to parents even as we become adult.  We keep on asking them as to what we should wear, and whose friends are we should be going with.  Evidently, we tend to become more dependent to parents instead of thinking and relying our choice to ourselves.  Bear in your mind that people who value their worth and have self-respect eliminating the approval seeking from others generally gets respect and approval from other people. 

taken from google image. 

            Refuse to Convince.   There is an adage that says agree to disagree.  Sometimes in as much as we want to influence other people based from our beliefs and understanding, they are also resistance to accept with our stance.    Refuse to convince them just continue and be happy of what you believe.   Armed with the idea that you get a disapproval from other people of what you say is getting away in the doom of desolation.  You can never do away with disapproval for all you know, even if you have high believe on what you have to say because other people do have their own counter exactly opposite with the thoughts you have in mind.   

            Stop verifying your facts.  Do not keep on substantiating from anyone whatever you feel like doing or saying.   If you want to try new things such as wearing floral shirt even if it is not summer or singing inside in a videoke room full of invited guests by your friend then feel free to do it without  asking anyone with whose opinion you value more instead of yourself.  When you  make a choice,  make sure that you feel free of doing it and that it spring happiness without validating it to someone else’s opinion.   Don’t let the predilection of other people dominates in you,  it will only mar your inner peace in the end.      

            Get rid of the approval seeking behaviour. If a friend of yours said that you look timorous and that you will never have the chance to improve your status, just show your smile and say your thank you.   In this regard, what you do is pointing it out that what he said can mean self-growth but it doesn’t affect your sanity.   Ignore negative statement directed to you instead build a repertoire of behaviour that protect being upset from manipulation of reproof from other people.    

            Have the passion for self-improvement.   Instead of dwelling with the negative remarks from other people or trying to convince them with your worth and your stance.  Free yourself to develop more and embrace the idea than you can be better by giving your full-potential in everything that you do.   Instead of weaning by peoples’ remarks,  always validate yourself with what you think is okay and can really make you happy and improved.  

            To sum it up, seeking approval cannot be eliminated in one single instance. It is actually a gradual process.  It requires practice, but worth every bit of exertion you place into it.       However, with the steps you have read will help you not to really demand applause from everyone and always have the resistance whenever people will not pay you with their compliments.  By doing these,  you will have a passes for a life that is free from despair in seeking approval but having personal fulfillment.  

Reference:  Dyer,  Wayne (n.d) Your erroneous zones.  Broadway New York.  Avon Books, Dept.  

Palimos ng Pag-ibig - Pagbubuod at Pagsusuri

 

halaw sa google image.

Maituturing na isang huwarang relasyon ang pag-iibigan nina Fina (Vilma Santos) at Rodel  (Edu Manzano).   Taglay nila ang pagtitiwala,  pagrerespeto at pagmamahalan na inaasahan sa isang dalawang taong nagmamahalan.  Sa kabila nito,   hinangad ng lalake na magkaroon ng isang anak na siyang magpapakumpleto sa kanya at sa kanilang dalawa ni Fina.   Napagdesisyunan nilang itigil na ang pagpipi-pill ni Fina subalit sa pagdaan ng maraming buwan ay hindi pa rin ito nagkaroon ng anak.   Naisipan nilang sumangguni sa isang Doktor at natuklasan nitong mayroong infantile uterus ang babae na siyang naging dahilan sa hindi nito pagkakaroon ng anak.  Isang kundisyon na batid na nitong huli ngunit sadyang inilihim ito sa bana.

Sa kabila ng pagmamahalan at kariwasaan sa buhay,  tila dama pa rin ng dalawa ang kakulangan sa pagkakaroon nito ng higit pang magpapatatag sa kanilang pagmamahalan- ang isang anak.  Hanggang sa may nagpayo sa lalake na mga kaibigan na magbayad na lamang sa isang babaeng maaaring magdadala ng sanggol sa kanyang sinapupunan na mula sa kanyang punla.   Surrogate mother o baby maker,  iyan ang naging sagot sa pangangailangan ni Rodel sa kanyang ninanais.  Nakuha niya iyon sa isang maganda at mabait na babaeng nagngangalang Ditas (Dina Bonivie).  Hindi nagdalawang isip ang babae sa hangaring ang perang iaabot ay makakatulong sa kanya para sa pag-ahon sa pagkakasadlak nito sa kahikahusan sa buhay.   Kung dati-rati ang layon lamang ng lalake ay ang babaeng magdadala lamang ng kanyang anak na aabutan lamang niya ng pera matapos makapagsilang pero habang tumatagal ay nakadama na siya ng paghanga at pagmamahal sa dito dahil taglay nitong  kabaitan.    

Pinalabas ng lalake na ang batang si Regie ay ampon niya at hindi niya ito sariling anak.   Pinagselosan ni Fina ang bata dahil hindi na ito ang kawangis ng ipinangako ng lalake sa kanya na kahit wala silang anak ay siya pa rin ang tuturingan nitong baby.  Ibinuhos na ang atensyon sa batang higit pang nagpapasaya sa kanya,  yaon ang makikita kay Rodel. Nauwi sa hindi pagkakasundo ng dalawa dahil pinangingibabawan siya ng pagkamuhi at matinding selos.  Nadama ng babae na tila ang babae (ina ni Regie) ang niyayakap ni Rodel sa tuwing niyayakap nito ang bata.    Dahil sa inasta ni Fina ay unti-unti nababawasan ang pagtingin ng lalake sa kanya hanggang sa ito ay muling nakipagkita kay Ditas at ang pagkikitang iyon ay naging dahilan sa pagkakaroon nila ng panibagong anak.  Ikinatuwa ni Fina ang sanggol na pinangalangan niyang Pearly na natagpuan niya sa kanilang hardin sapagkat naisip niya na magagamit niya iyon para makaganti sa asawa na maipagmamalaki niyang sarili niya rin itong anak.  Lingid sa kanyang kaalaman na anak iyon ni Ditas at ni Rodel na muli niyang ipinagkakatiwala sa kanila ang pangangalaga.

Nagpakita ng pagbabago si Fina batay na rin sa payo ng kaibigang matalino naman siya dapat handa niyang tanggapin ang katotohanan.  Ngunit ng makita nito na dumadalaw si Ditas sa kanilang gate ay nakiusap ito na mailayo na si Regie sa kanila para walang rason na magkita sila ni Rodel.  Hindi ito sinang-ayunan ni Rodel na mailayo sa kanya ang anak na lalake at siyang naging dahilan ng kanilang hindi pagkakasundo hanggang mapaalis si Rodel dahil sa matinding galit nito at pagseselos.  Walang nagawa si Fina kahit pakiusapan niya ito na bumalik.  Nagulumihanan at nanlumo si Fina na siyang nagtulak sa kanya na uminom nang napakaraming pill at ito ay na-ospital dahil sa pagka-overdose.  Sa bandang huli,  nangibabaw pa rin ang pagmamahal ni Rodel kay Fina at sila pa ring dalawa ang nagsama kapiling ang ipinagkatiwalang mga anak ni Ditas.        

Tinalakay sa nasabing pelikula ang usaping surrogate mother o baby maker.  Mapapansin na sa ating lipunan ay mayroon ng mga babeng nagsasagawa ng ganitong trabaho dulot na rin ng kahirapan.  Ang katauhan ni Ditas ay sumisimbolo nito bagaman walang usapin ang gaanong inilatag nais lamang na inilarawan sa pelikula na sa mga lalakeng naghahangad na magkaroon ng anak ay ang mga babaeng baby maker ang makakatugon sa kanila sa suliraning hindi pagkakaroon ng anak.  Pangalawa,  ang pagiging makasarili ni Ditas ay isang hindi magandang larawan ng isang asawa.   Nais lamang ni Rodel na magkaroon ng anak kaya naggawa niyang magbayad ng isang baby maker.  Bagaman mayroon siyang pagkukulang din dahil inilihim niya ito sa babae dulot na rin ito ng takot na hindi siya mapayagan ng babae sa kanyang gagawin.   Si  Fina na kahit si Regie na walang kasalanan ay napagbubuntungan niya rin ng galit dahil sa matingding pagseselos ay hindi magandang imahe para sa isang ina o taong may pagmamahal.  Sinasakal niya si Rodel kahit malinis naman ang intensyon nito at mahal na mahal niya si Fina.  Suportahan ang minamahal at iwasan ang pagkakaroon ng obsesyon nito sapagkat likas sa isang tao na mapaghanap ng kalayaan at kaligayahan.   Pangatlo,   Sa mga usaping hindi pagkakaroon ng anak ng dalawang magkapareha ay maaari pa ring opsyon ang pag-aampon ng bata sa halip na humanap ng ibang sasamahan sapagkat maaari lamang itong magpalabo sa isang relasyon.  Sa usapin nina Rodel at Fina sila ay kasado at paglabag sa batas at sa mata ng Diyos ang pakikiapid sinuman sa kanilang dalawa kanino man.  Magkagayunpaman,     mainam parin ang naging wakas nito dahil nagkaloob pa rin ng kapatawaran sa puso ni Rodel na minsan gaano man katatag ang relasyon ay sinusubok ito ng pagkakataon.  Higit sa lahat,   kailangan lamang na maging mapagkumbaba sa isa’t isa at pag-usapan ang mga bagay-bagay na hindi napagkasunduan magkaroon ng win-win situation sa halip na pairalin ang pride na siyang sisira sa magandang nabuong samahan.